Personal

Today I had kind of an epiphany. Let me back up. Yesterday was a pretty normal day, but something made it better. I had just re-read President Eyring's talk about remembering the goodness of God in our lives. So I have been working on doing that during my nightly prayers. Last night I remembered: reading with Parker - laying on his bed, laughing together, watching him sound out little words and be so excited when he figured one out. I remembered watching Bryson in his baseball tryouts and thinking what a handsome kid he is turning into (he really needs to keep playing baseball because he looks so dang cute in a baseball hat :). I remembered combing through Abbey's long, gorgeous hair that morning; listening to her happily playing play-dough with Parker as the very first thing she did when she got home from school, and later roller-blading in the basement. I remembered holding sweet little Claire on my lap and reading to her for nap time and listening to all the words she is learning every day. ("Waaa dehhr" - water is one of my favorites.) So, I did this last night, and this morning I remembered all of those things and I decided to tell Parker about it. And when I did, I felt a huge wave of sorrow for not being more grateful EVERY DAY for the blessing of being home with my kids. I have never felt like a "natural" mother. Loving it is something I have had to work at - a lot. And yet I think allowing myself to feel that way so much has really hampered my ability to ENJOY my kids and the fleeting time when we are home together. I went to my room and knelt in tears and prayed for forgiveness for not being more grateful. I hope this is a turning point for me. I know I have enjoyed my kids. I don't mean that. But I think I have always kept a little place in my heart that was a little resentful of all the sacrifices, of the loss of "self", of the lack of any outward "pay". I want to get rid of that and allow this precious time to be filled with the JOY of these moments that I know will soon be gone.